Please don't touch me.

As many of you are aware, I'm just not really that comfortable with the whole "touchy-feely" thing. I fully believe in personal space, and I find it highly awkward when people try to infringe upon it. I think I was fine with RAH* and LAW** in high school, but, for whatever reason, I now find these things less than appealing. Call me cold-hearted, call me inhuman, but I just don't feel comfortable with human contact unless

A. it's a close family member
B. it's my boyfriend (who, by the way, is completely hypothetical) or
C. it's a friend I have not seen or will not see for a long time.

I first realized that this had become a problem my senior year of college. I went to see one of my professors, and found that a friend of mine was already in his office, asking for class scheduling advice. Turning around and seeing me, he (my friend) reached up and grabbed me on the shoulder, "Hey! You can help me with my schedule!" My immediate reaction? Quickly stepping back and deftly removing his hand, "Please don't touch me." My professor and my friend both looked back at me, somewhat taken aback, and I had to excuse myself.

People tend to find this aversion to touch pretty amusing, especially the girls in my program. Yeah, it's hard not to get "touchy-feely" when you get 15 girls spending most of their time together, so I guess it's natural that the topic would come up. One of the girls and I were talking about how mockingbirds are able to imitate the sound of a car alarm, when she turned to me and said, "Hey! You should imitate a car alarm whenever people try to touch you! If someone gets to close, you can just go 'Beep Beep Beep Beep BEEP!'" This would be especially hilarious/disturbing if these people were strangers. I have since tried this, and find it surprisingly effective... usually because people are laughing too hard to try to hug me. This is a good thing because

+Laughter-Hug=Best Case Scenario

So here's the thing, this post is not just about me and my touching problems, it's about WHY I have these problems. I was looking at CNN.com today, and found this article about a 20 year-old student who was attacked after trying to hug a panda bear. That's right. He hopped a fence, tried to hug the panda, and was viciously attacked. That's not all; he's not the only one who has been injured for trying to show affection for these adorable bears - two other people have tried and paid for it in the past two years. So why do I bring this up? Here's my theory.

Gar Theory # 1: My aversion to touch is not merely a personal quirk - it is evolutionary instinct, a sophisticated survival mechanism passed down in the genes of my Chinese ancestors, to be able to stand in the face of supreme cuteness (in the case of my ancestors, to look into the face of an adorable yet unstable panda) and not feel the chemical need or desire to hug it.

Let's look at the equation:

Let X = the variable for cuteness, in this case, X =Panda Bear
Let Y = the need for physical affection
Let Z^D = untimely death
Let Z^L = long life

+X+Y=Z^D
+X-Y=Z^L

This equation also works when replacing X with happy friend/sympathetic friend/sad friend. That's right, I'm a monster, but not of my own making. The following of the second equation ensured my ancestors' survival, and thus the perpetuation of their DNA. I am merely a product of my bloodline, not an ice princess, as some have said.

That explained, some might ask why I am so against touching while my family seems to be made up of hug machines. There could be two explanations for this.

1. Different traits show up in different people of the same family. It's like how some brunettes have blonde siblings.
2. I'm adopted. (Just like my brother, sister, and sometimes my mother have said)

So, friends, fellow countrymen, do not weep for me and my inability to hug. This trait has ensured my survival in this world filled with adorable animals and adorable people (though, really, I can't resist my dog. She's just perfect). Instead, I must say I worry for you, my affectionate neighbors. Don't hug too much or too often, lest you suffer a gruesome fate at the hands (or paws) of those most cuddly.

If you find it hard to avoid these advances, remember that it's okay to just say

"Beep Beep Beep Beep BEEP!"

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*Random Acts of Hugging
** Linked-Arm Walking